Normally, I write holiday pieces with a subtitle declaring “A Brief History (Some of It True).” But this is Easter, a religious holiday, one held sacred by Christians around the world. In addition to offending Christians, I run the risk of upsetting the jelly bean and Cadbury Creme Egg lobbies. Even if I were willing to risk offending those large groups, I would alienate Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, atheist, etc.
But when my publicist scored me an interview with Jesus, I couldn’t refuse. How could I? He is esteemed by Christians as the incarnate Son of God who died (Good Friday) and rose again three days later (Easter) for the sins of the world.
Here are just a few snippets of that interview:
Me: So Jesus, thanks for talking to me.
Jesus: No problem, Scott. Hey, it was good seeing you in church last week.
Me: You saw me? Really? Were you there?
Me: Oh, duh. Good one. Omnipresent AND omniscient. Very cool stuff, by the way.
Jesus: Thanks. Those two qualities are my favorites, too. So what would you like know, Scott? What would your readers like to know about me for Easter?
Me: Well, um, this isn’t about Easter, per se. Not everyone around here gets into that holiday. But I’d like to get your opinion on where you stand on different issues. Is that cool?
Jesus: Go for it.
Me: Excellent. Okay, I don’t want to jump into controversy here…
Jesus: It’s okay. I jumped into quiet a bit of controversy myself. Ask away.
Me: This Westboro Baptist Church thing. They picket military funerals, they carry signs that say things like “God hates fags”…
Jesus: I’m sorry, Scott. I don’t know them.
Me: Really? Because they’re a Baptist Church, and they’re in the news all of the time. They seem to know You.
Jesus: A lot of people know my name, but that doesn’t mean that they really know Me. And I can tell you that I do NOT know them, but I know of them. I mean, I read the news on-line just like everyone else.
Me: So just to be clear, you don’t hate gay people, do you?
Jesus: Do you know what show I TiVo Monday through Friday? The Ellen DeGeneres Show. How could I hate gay people? How could I hate anyone? Don’t forget that I AM not only the Son of God made in the flesh of man, but I AM also God Himself. That means I created man, straight ones, gay ones, short ones, tall ones, white ones…well, you get the idea.
Me: Great answer. Moving on from social issues, I’d like to switch topics to the environment. What are your thoughts about this whole green movement? I hear some Christians say that you and your dad gave us power over the planet, and we can do whatever we want with it.
Jesus: I drive a hybrid.
Me: Okay, so what you’re saying is…?
Jesus: I don’t know how much more clear I can be than that, Scott.
Me: Sorry, I didn’t know that was a sore subject.
Jesus: Think about like this. You’re a dad. You give you son something very special. You tell him that it’s his, that he can enjoy it all he wants. And then you watch him pound on it, smack it around, and do his best to break it. That’s how I feel about what some people are doing to the Earth that I gave them. So, like I said, I’m doing my part. I drive a hybrid. And before you ask, yes, I recycle, too.
Me: Nice. Good answer…
[Skipping to the end of the interview…]
Me: Okay, if you have time, I have just a few more questions for you.
Jesus: Grandmaster Flash, Don’t Throw Underwear on the Table & Other Lessons Learned at Work, fish tacos, and I don’t see that coming any time soon.
Me: Ummm…whoa. What…?
Jesus: I’m sorry. Bad habit. Go ahead and ask your questions, and then I’ll answer them.
Me: What’s the last thing you listened to on your iPod?
Jesus: You probably expect that I like music by Jacob Obrecht, and I do. But it’s hard to get a good sweat going to those chants, you know? So I mix is up with other classics like The Beatles. But to answer your question, I just listened to Grandmaster Flash, “The Message.” It makes me wonder how I keep from goin’ under… Yeah, I love that song.
Me: I did not expect that. Very cool. And you’re reading my second book?
Jesus: Naw, I just said that to make you feel good. I lived your book with you, remember? I’m just throwin’ you a bone.
Me: Good one. Favorite pig-out food?
Jesus: I’ve always been partial to fish for some reason. Ever since I’ve had these fish tacos with a habanero/mango salsa, I’ve been hooked.
Me: Okay. And to my question “Is this the year the Cubs win the World Series?” you answered…
Jesus: If I had a nickel for each time I got asked that question!
Me: Seriously, can you throw me another bone? What’s the deal? I mean, are you mad at the Chicago Cubs or what?
Jesus: It started off as a joke, you know, like teasing with them. And now…well, I have to say that this joke might go on for quite a while. So, yeah, I don’t see them winning any time soon.
Me: Thank you, Jesus. Great talking with you.
Jesus: Any time, Scott. (pauses while unhooking his lapel mic) Just wanted to say thank you for your participation in St. Baldrick’s last week.
Scott: Thank you! I really appreciate that. It’s a great cause.
Jesus: It is. And I know that it’s quite a sacrifice since I didn’t give you the best looking bald head.
Scott: I know, right? I was wondering if I should…
Jesus: Yes, please do. Grow that hair back ASAP. When people see your bald head, they start questioning how a loving God could leave something like that uncovered…(snort)