I got an email the other day from a stranger who offered me the deal of a lifetime. Instead of trying to explain the message, I’ll repost it here and add some comments as I go.

Hello dear! My name is miss Rosemary… This caught my attention. Most of the people who know me well don’t call me dear. And the miss Rosemary thing? It sounds like it’s from an older era…

How are you doing? I hope you are fine with your family and friends too… Um, I guess…

I am in need of love, also seeking for someone that i can call my own, I know this will sound as a surprise to you since we haven’t communicate before now or don’t even know each other at the moment… Yes, I think you could call that a surprise. But the grammar and punctuation? It can only mean one thing: miss Rosemary is the product of a public school education…

but i also know that the journey of a thousand mile must start with a step… I, too, say “The journey of a thousand…” but my version ends with “…pounds begins with one Twinkee.”

…that is why I want to know more about you… There’s so much to share with you, miss Rosemary. I’m lonely, trusting, independently wealthy, philanthropic (as demonstrated by my repeated donations to return many a deposed Nigerian Prince to power) …

…i mean, i need a serious and real relationship… Aren’t their any bars or strip clubs where you live? Don’t you have a MySpace or Facebook account? Poor thing.

not just a mail friend or pen pals or phone and chatting friends,… Ah. Well, there it is.

i need a someone… I wonder if I could be that a someone?

who will be ready for both of us to meet each other face to face, I need someone that i can see and talk with face to face,… I have so much to do to get ready for miss Rosemary. I wonder if she would prefer me clean-shaven or bearded? What should I wear?

The email goes on. And it closes Yours friend to be Rosemary.

Wow! Yeah, wow!

I know what you’re thinking: DUDE! SHE IS TOTALLY INTO YOU! YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW UP WITH HER!

But I was a little skeptical. I mean, sure, she sounds nice, vulnerable, and uneducated. That’s exactly my type. But what if this is a set up? Like what if she has an older brother who will show up when we meet, and he tries to rob me or steal my shoes? You can’t be too careful.

So I googled miss Rosemary Kevin. Apparently, she does exist. And it gets better. In an open letter, she says:

I am Miss Rosemary kevin 18 years old from Ivory Coast… I knew it! She’s both young and foreign! Big daddy hit the mail-order bride lottery.

She continues her missive by explaining that both of her parents were dead, and that her mother had been poisoned by her business associates.

My parents were very wealthy farmers and cocoa merchant… I LOVE chocolate!

Before the death of my mother on October 2004, she secretly called me on her bed side and disclosed to me about the sum of Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars.($8.5million) she deposited in suspense account in a bank here in my country… Young, vulnerable, and uneducated coupled with unlimited chocolate AND money? Be still, my beating heart…

She instructed me that I should seek for a foreign partner in any country of my choice who will assist me transfer this money in an overseas account where the money will be safe and invested wisely… Am I that partner?

I am crying and seeking for your kind assistance in the following ways… Anything! Just name it…

provide a safe bank account into where the money will be transferred for investment… I’ve helped Nigerians in this way in the past, and they didn’t even own cocoa…

serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 18 years old… It would be my honor and pleasure to care for you…

make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit for me in your country… And if we wed, you will have that permit to live in my country. You will earn the right to study and learn here. You will have the honor of cleaning up after me, cooking for me, and caring for me in my old age…

I have decided to offer you 20% of the total amount for your willingness to help me and please do respond immediately you received my mail for more informations regarding the transfer…

And then just like that, my dreams died. I was crushed. I felt like I had been stuck with a dagger. I mean, here I was falling for miss Rosemary Kevin, and it almost felt as if she were trying to buy my loyalty and love.

I wish you well, miss Rosemary. I’m sure you’ll find someone who plays that way. But I’m afraid that you’re just going to attract men who are enticed by the offer of your money. Be careful, dear. Not everyone will be as selfless as me.