First Date

My son, Jack, had his first dance date last night. He was a little nervous, so I helped him out by providing my sage, fatherly advise.

1.  The likely outcome of you pinning a corsage on your date is that you grope her or make her bleed. It’s settled. We’re getting her a wrist corsage.

2. Unless you anticipate this date leading to marriage, get the $29 corsage instead of the $34 one.

3. If marriage is likely, we can get the nicer flowers, and you have my blessing. But heed this advise: marry a pretty woman…after seeing her mother.

Admittedly, I was out of my depth here, so I tapped into my 13 year-old daughter for some help. Here’s what she added:

  • Use the eating utensils provided with the meal.
  • Put your eating utensil down between bites.
  • Don’t talk with your mouth full.
  • After every 2 bites, wipe your mouth.
  • Don’t shovel food in your mouth.
  • Don’t order too much food.
  • Don’t tell stupid jokes.
  • Under no circumstance should you suggest a belching contest.
  • Ditto for saying, “Pull my finger”.
  • Tell her she looks nice. Don’t say “hot”, “smoking” or any other stupid thing.
  • Use a squirt of cologne, not a bottle.
  • Have fun.

Snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper. I’ve spent years trying to teach good manners to my children. I never realized that I give To Dos and To Don’ts followed up by saying something stupid like “have fun”. It’s like sitting through a half-day skydiving class, and having the instructor tell you while he’s shoving you out of the plane, “Relax and enjoy yourself”. If you are silly enough to relax and enjoy yourself while plunging to your likely death, you’re really going to like how it all ends.

I’ll be interested to see if my daughter’s list changes by the time she starts dating in 20 years. Hopefully by then “Pull my finger” will make a come-back.

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